I cannot claim to have seen every movie from 2017. But I sure did see (at least) 30 terrible ones. Out of the movies I have seen, these are the 30 worst movies of 2017. If you know of any that I have missed, you could let me know in the comments. Then again, I will likely not watch said movies, so it’s up to you.
Anyway, let’s get this over with, shall we!
30. The Discovery
As intriguing as its concept is, The Discovery never overcomes its embittered and morose lead characters, who never rise to a level of intimacy or sympathy with the audience. The film’s greatest achievement is that it saps the charisma out of the ever-lovable Jason Segel.
29. All Eyez on Me
Tupac is and will always be a legend. The hype of his rise and tragic end is mythic. All Eyez on Me does not come close to meeting that level of mythicality. It has a strong performance in Danai Gurira, but otherwise the film leaves much to be desired.
The idea of revamping the King Arthur story is all well and good. A franchise of films involving King Arthur and his court has potential. But Guy Ritchie’s very Guy Ritchie take on the King Arthur story was not the means of going about such a franchise, as much as they were vying for it.
27. Going in Style
I understand the appeal of these sorts of movies, the aged veteran actors coming together for a rip-roaring good romp. In theory, it is a great idea to bring Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Alan Arkin together for a comedy. The unfortunate truth is that these elderly-actor comedies rarely work right.
26. Girlfriend’s Day
There are plenty of forgettable Netflix original films, and Lord knows there will be more of them in the future. But this forgettable Netflix film is one that I watched. As such, it drops onto this list. Tonally oscillating and narratively unexceptional, Girlfriend’s Day wastes its strong casting choices on a mediocre film.
25. The Great Wall
Yes, the white savior thing is a reason to criticize this film. But I won’t even grope at those critiques here, because the film is mediocre enough in its own right that it never rises to a place where one needs to start questioning Matt Damon’s role. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a handful of interesting action scenes here, but the film itself is just so tepid.
Yes, it certainly was.
23. The Dinner
Consistently trying and wallowing in its self-centered characters’ self-centered insecurities, The Dinner is a shallow attempt at depicting upper-class strife. Steve Coogan does his best, but he’s in the wrong movie. Just go watch The Trip to Spain instead.
22. Sandy Wexler
Sandy Wexler is a strange attempt by Adam Sandler at doing something heartfelt with his comedy. It doesn’t quite work, although this is no Grown Ups film. Think of this as a stepping-stone toward The Meyerowitz Stories, then go watch The Meyerowitz Stories instead. That is a fairly strong Sandler role. And Adam, if you’re reading this (and I know you are), when you care about the work you’re a good actor. You gotta do more Baumbach and less Dugan.
Is it weird to say that I was kind of charmed by this film. Not because it was good—it’s on a worst-of list, after all—but just because Geoffrey Rush sells the s*** out of his role. Pirates 5 is schlocky as all get-out, but there is some campy fun to be had. For a two-hour plus film, that simply isn’t enough.
20. The Dark Tower
In conception, The Dark Tower was a failure waiting to happen. That they distilled a series of fan-favorite Stephen King books into one 90-minute movie was not a good sign. Honestly, they could have even made that work better with some tweaks, but ultimately the film was doomed. Don’t worry; one day they will bring this property back into Hollywood. Whether they do it right the second time around…I can’t read those tea leaves.
Such a useless attempt at a biopic. Bruce Lee is a legend. Birth of the Dragon does not even begin to broach the subject of that legend. This is because the film does not even feel the need to focus on Lee. But, you know, that’s fine; it’s not as if he is the most famous martial artist of all time or anything like that.
It might be tongue-in-cheek. It might be “in on the joke.” But it is a feature length comedy, and it needs to be more than self-aware to be worthwhile. There is so little of substance here that this film will be utterly forgotten in a matter of months, if it hasn’t been forgotten by now.
17. Cult of Chucky
It’s hard to hate on the Child’s Play franchise, because technically it has been tongue-in-cheek since the beginning. But this Chucky sequel doesn’t really do anything. There are kills and quips and not much else. It just feels tired.
16. The Snowman
Veteran actor and my personal man crush Michael Fassbender? Yes! Rising talent Rebecca Ferguson? Of course! Acclaimed director Tomas Alfredson? Yes, please! The Snowman? Wh–what now? You didn’t even finish the movie? Wha–what? Wh–why? What is this? Not a movie; certainly not.
Oh, man I get the chance to make two “forgettable” title puns in one list!? Alright, Alex, don’t screw this up…Unforgettable is…well, it is forgettable…no, that was no good…Unforgettable, that is, until you forget. That won’t take long! That wasn’t great, either…this isn’t worth it.
Go back to sleep. Boom! Why couldn’t I be that succinct with the last entry…
13. The Mummy
The Mummy is, in terms of optics, such a colossal failure that it should theoretically sky-rocket into the top 10. It isn’t that bad. There are sequences in the movie that are fun enough. Tom Cruise is, you know, Tom Cruise. But that this movie was poor enough to tank a major studio shared universe is telling. The Mummy is a studio movie, purely. And boy were they aiming for the big bucks. Oh well.
12. 47 Meters Down
Empty, lackluster, and incompetent characters lead the charge in 47 Meters Down, a film that wanted to be 2017’s The Shallows (I wasn’t a huge fan of that movie, either). In 47 Meters, we get a lot of murky action to hide the fact that there isn’t much to see here.
11. Death Note
It is not hard to bastardize an anime with a Westernized live-action remake. But it is hard to screw it up so bad that nobody even bothers to watch it. Death Note came and went on Netflix right quick. It would be hard to find the film on the site’s front page nowadays. This live-action feature adaptation was, mostly, a disaster when looked through the eyes of someone who has seen the anime. From someone who hasn’t, it just looks like a confusing mess.
The internet sure is scary, huh? Sorry, what I meant to say was: Lazy cash grabs sure are scary, huh?
If you thought the television show CHiPS was culturally irrelevant and highly dated, you should check out the jokes in Dax Shepard’s 2017 film CHiPS. Which is to say…don’t.
The Houses October Built uses found footage to blend documentary and fiction in a way that is entirely unconvincing. The Houses October Built 2…does more of that…but even less convincing…why was this made?
Is Transformers: The Last Knight the worst Transformers movie? Hell if I know; I’ve only seen three and a half of them. But this one is pretty overblown and illogical and bad. So, you know, it’s a Transformers movie.
The Babysitter is utterly devoid of cleverness. It labors on cliches and character archetypes. Unlike the next film on this list, The Babysitter at least claims to be in on the jokes that arise from these cliches. The jokes just aren’t funny.
5. Wish Upon
Wish Upon is utterly cliched from start to finish. Not to mention that the finish is…is just a slap in the face.
The only surprise here is that Fifty Shades wasn’t higher up. Perhaps it is because this sequel has so little plot that it is a breeze to forget the film entirely.
It’s hard when your thriller not only fails to thrill but also fails to handle suspense on a rudimentary level. It’s harder still when it is clear that your lead actors are so visibly checked out of the film that the love B-plot contains no chemistry. All the harder when your attempt to have an intelligent mystery plot bears no fruit. Thankfully, you probably have never heard of this film, and you’re better for it.
At least, at times, it is unintentionally hilarious. Thank the Lord for that librarian character!
No surprise here. This movie is offensive. And the most egregious thing that The Emoji Movie is responsible for: that its existence makes it impossible to call The Bye Bye Man the worst movie of 2017.
Whelp, there you have it folks. All the 2017 movies you should never seek out. Now, if you please, I need to go and nurse the headache that resurfacing memories of these films has caused me.
As always, thanks for reading!
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—Alex Brannan (@TheAlexBrannan)