Category Archives: Long Reviews (>400 Words)

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The Legend of Tarzan (2016) Movie Review

In The Legend of Tarzan, Jane (Margot Robbie) and John Clayton (Alexander Skarsgard), aka Tarzan, return to the jungle years after Tarzan has acclimated to high class civilized life. The story of their relationship is told in flashbacks, where Tarzan is seen as a boy raised by apes and Jane as the daughter of an American teacher.

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These flashbacks are shot with little care. Motion is blurred. Camera angles are distorted and displeasing to the eye. The color palette is drab and cold.

When slave traders led by Leon Rom (Christoph Waltz) steal Jane away, Tarzan ventures to save her. The narrative is simple, and thus not the crux of entertainment value to be found in this film. What the film is meant to provide instead is Continue reading The Legend of Tarzan (2016) Movie Review →

All Movie Reviews, Horror, Long Reviews (>400 Words), Love It

The Neon Demon (2016) Movie Review

The first image we see in The Neon Demon, following a glittery opening credits sequence featuring trance synths, is a shot of Jesse (Elle Fanning) lying on a couch, her throat slit and blood draining down her limp arm. It is a photoshoot, captured by a leery-eyed Dean (Karl Glusman).

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Jesse is trying to break out in the modeling business, moving to Los Angeles on a whim and being whisked away into an indulgent world of Continue reading The Neon Demon (2016) Movie Review →

Action/Thriller, All Movie Reviews, Leave it, Long Reviews (>400 Words)

The Shallows (2016) Movie Review

On a Latin American beach, a young boy finds a helmet with a waterproof camera attached to it that depicts the brutal death of a surfer at the hands of a shark.

We then cut to an unnaturally high key-lit, lens flare-heavy jungle road in which Nancy (Blake Lively) is being driven to a beach, only to find that her surfing buddy has flaked on her. She decides to go out to sea on her own, though, given the sentimental value of the beach that she doesn’t know the name of.

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This scene is shot like a dream sequence, but unintentionally. Lens flares and distortion caused by the angle of the camera on the car causes Continue reading The Shallows (2016) Movie Review →

All Movie Reviews, Horror, Indie Films, Leave it, Long Reviews (>400 Words)

Clown (2016) Movie Review

Clown, “presented” by notable horror director Eli Roth and written-directed by Cop Car and future Spider-Man: Homecoming director Jon Watts, has gotten a U.S. VOD and limited theatrical release after two years. The film was made and premiered prior to Watt’s last year’s critical darling Cop Car, and it is a psychological horror film involving everyone’s favorite terrorizing force: Clowns.

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When the hired clown cancels last minute, Jack’s (Christian Distefano) birthday party is in jeopardy. Luckily, good ol’ dad Kent (Andy Powers) swoops in to save the day, Continue reading Clown (2016) Movie Review →

All Movie Reviews, Drama, Indie Films, Long Reviews (>400 Words), Love It

Land and Shade (La Tierra y la Sombra) (2015) Movie Review

Alfonso (Haimer Leal) travels to his old home, where he meets the family he abandoned: his wife (Hilda Ruiz), his ailing son (Edison Raigosa), the son’s wife (Marleyda Soto), and his grandson (Jose Felipe Cardenas).

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The first few shots of the film are Continue reading Land and Shade (La Tierra y la Sombra) (2015) Movie Review →

All Movie Reviews, Horror, Leave it, Long Reviews (>400 Words)

Cell (2016) Movie Review

Cell is a movie based on a novel by Stephen King. In this adaptation, Clay Riddell (John Cusack), is an artist who, while in an apartment, becomes witness to an apocalyptic event in which a cell phone signal causes users to become feral (in inconsistent ways). They foam at the mouth, attack people, attack themselves, and become utterly unaware of their own humanity.

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The opening shots of this film set the tone for its overall success. Continue reading Cell (2016) Movie Review →

All Movie Reviews, Horror, Long Reviews (>400 Words), Love It

The Conjuring 2 (2016) Movie Review

During Ed and Lorraine Warren’s (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) investigation of the Amityville horror, Lorraine Warren encounters hell incarnate during a seance in an opening sequence to The Conjuring 2 that is orchestrated with neo-horror precision, combining old school tropes and new era scare tactics.

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After amassing a popular following through the Amityville case, the Warrens are requested in Enfield, where they encounter Continue reading The Conjuring 2 (2016) Movie Review →

Action/Thriller, All Movie Reviews, Leave it, Long Reviews (>400 Words)

Warcraft (2016) Movie Review

There has been a war between Orcs and Humans as long as anyone can remember. Thus is the world of Warcraft (pun. apologies.). We follow an Orc warrior in tow with his warring clan as well as his wife and child to be. We also follow a band of humans who are combating the oncoming onslaught of Orcs using the magical guidance of the Guardian (Ben Foster). There is also a Halfling (Paula Patton) (which is to say, half Orc, half human) who is caught in the middle of these warring races.

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The film throws you into a narrative already in motion, in medias res as is the fantasy genre standard. The problem with this in this particular instance is Continue reading Warcraft (2016) Movie Review →

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The Lobster (2016) Movie Review

In The Lobster, David (Colin Farrell), upon being abandoned by his wife for another man, attends a hotel in which he must fall in love in 45 days or else be turned into an animal of his choosing. The movie is as surreal as the premise sounds, but it is also something beyond the mere surreal, which is an alleyway that can quickly lead to becoming a gimmick.

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Director Yorgos Lanthimos’ usual brand of awkward yet matter-of-fact line readings dominate The Lobster. Characters present so much on their face while still concealing Continue reading The Lobster (2016) Movie Review →

All Movie Reviews, Comedy, Leave it, Long Reviews (>400 Words)

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) Movie Review

The “Style Boyz” are a juvenile hip-hop crew comprised of Lawrence (Akiva Schaffer), Owen (Jorma Taccone), and Conner (Andy Samberg). After power trips get the best of them, Conner transforms his brand into Conner4Real, becoming a one-time star in the process, Lawrence gets fed up with the power feud and retires to a small farm and a scraggly beard, and Owen gets relegated to the literal background role as Conner’s DJ.

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The opening credit song pretty much tells the whole story: Conner is “So Humble” in the sense that he has no idea what the word means. This threatens to ruin his career and all of his relationships, and the plot plays out accordingly from there.

Popstar plays as a mockumentary, but one can’t go in with the godfather of music mockumentary, This is Spinal Tap, in mind, as the two films couldn’t Continue reading Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) Movie Review →